Monday, November 17, 2008

Honeymoon is over! This is real life, son!

Ok, ladies and gents. I'm SO sure that you have been waiting with bated breathe for me to create a blog. Little did you know, it would be a diet blog. However, I request that you at least feel it out before heading back over to the Beats and Eats blog. Also, I apologize in advance for the length of this post. They all won't be this bad. I promise.

I will begin this post with a bit of a back story on your girl.

Candice was born on a hot July day to Kimberley and Robert. Kimberley, a beautiful creature, thin and lovely, had just been blessed with a lovely baby girl and was filled with jubilation.... and about 5% body fat. Robert, a genius by ANY standards shed a tear or two but could never shed a pound as he stood 6'1", 150 lbs.

As a baby, I never took to the teet. Some researchers suggest that not breastfeeding your child could lead to obesity, heart disease and stroke. Which may very well be the case. What I can tell you is it didn't help that I developed a love for food early on, demanding my three square meals a day. Mom and dad were always light snackers but never denied me a hearty meal. Not saying it's their fault and I wasn't turning down a nice slice of pizza.

By the time I hit puberty, I was a size 26 pant. No idea what my weight was, but it was probably more than I weigh now. The summer between 7th and 8th grades, I lost a ton of weight bringing me down to a size 20. I did this with EXTREME calorie counting and exercise. I longed for that kind of weight-loss success for the rest of high school, remaining on a never-ending string of diets until this day.

I've done 'em all; Grapefruit juice: Didn't work too well as I HATE grapefruit, Deal-A-Meal: didn't get it, Ephedra: I totally miss that stuff. It worked but I only took it long enough to lose about 10 lbs. before it was banned.

I've also tried the "Terrible Boyfriend" diet. You know, the one where you can't eat or sleep because you are obsessing over the loser who you never really liked in the first place but were just convinced that he could be a better person if you treated him well even though he doesn't like you all that much and makes no qualms about it but still uses you because you let him? *crickets* Anyone? Just me? Ok, then. Well, that one worked really well.

Then, I met the man of my dreams. Hefty, hairy and horny. Hands off, ladies. I was in such a lovelorn state that I ate and ate without thinking. I went from 216 to 275 in about a year. I literally looked at my clothes one day and said, "Dude, when did my clothes shrink?" Obviously, they didn't. I expanded.

So now, I've moved on to the Weight Watchers program. And I must say, it works. Seriously. To date, I've lost 30 lbs. on this diet.

However, I came back from my honeymoon last week to find that I'd gained 8 pounds! So now, I'm getting back on the wagon. This blog will hopefully keep me motivated and on track. I will end every post with a current weight and daily goal, just to keep my mind right.

Thanks for reading. Catch ya on the flip.

Candice K.

252 lbs.
87 lbs to goal of 165
Today, I will eat no more than one snack between meals.


Anonymous said...

Love it! Hilarious and well written just as I would have expected.

Also, the terrible boyfriend diet... yeah, all over that one but it's usually balanced out by the binging that comes along with the self-loathing.

Well don't I sound healthy.

Anonymous said...

Also, my word verification is CHIEST. What do you suppose that even is? I don't know but I do know that I want to start using it.

"His schmegma had the consistency of chiest."

Sounds like a winner.